Game Show Thoughts
Whoever sells vowels on Wheel of Fortune must have a fortune of their
own by now!
Why do they call it the Price is Right when you don't have to get most
of the prices right?
Why do they call it Press Your Luck when you are really pressing your
plunger?
Why do they call it Hollywood Squares when the celebrities aren't
really square-shaped?
Why do they call it Hot Potato when there is no potato?
Why do they call it Bullseye when you really just have to answer
questions?
Why did Patrick Wayne host TTD90?
Who are Kline's friends?
Why do they call it Password when you can't PASS on any WORDs?
I thought it was illegal and unconstitutional to put someone through
Double Jeopardy........
Why don't they change their name to Wheel of Stuff since winning
~$10,000 isn't really a fortune....
Why doesn't TPiR change the name of Grand Game to the Ten Grand Game?
Why did Patrick Wayne host TTD90?
If you're a Bargain Hunter, then what are you doing on a game show?
How can you play a game called Concentration when it's hard to
concentrate in front of TV cameras?
Where were the blank tiles in Scrabble?
Why did Patrick Wayne host TTD90?
Ever notice how the stars in Battlestars never really went into battle?
I never heard one contestant say "Whew!" on the show!
If the Joker is Wild, then how come there were no Jokers in the 1990
cash version?
You could only Win or Lose, not Draw.
Ever notice how there really was no "wit" in the mid-80s Crosswits?
Why did Patrick Wayne host TTD90?
:)
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Things To Think About
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear
intelligent until you hear them speak?
How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already
know you don't have any?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is
expanding, what is it expanding into?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
of everything outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not adore?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell
him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck
when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients" but dishwashing
liquid contains "real lemons"?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
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TIME
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with
$86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening it
deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do? Draw out every penny, of course!
Each of us has such a bank. Its' name is TIME. Every morning, it
credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost,
whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries
over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new
account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you
fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going
back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live in the
present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost
in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most
of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a
premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to
meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an
accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a
silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you
shared it with someone special -- special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow
is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!
It's National Friendship Week. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear,
they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their heart
to us.
Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider
a FRIEND. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle
of friends.
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Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During
his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his
fellow inmates. The warden new that, deep down, Andy
was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements
for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of
the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be
given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the
community. And, he always reported back to prison by
early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,
though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen
cupboards and a large counter top. So, he called Andy
into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
"But, you're an expert. Andy, I really need your help,"
said the warden.
"Gosh, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter
fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
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(NOTE: I am not attempting to ridicule organized religion in this
piece. It's just a strange way of looking at something we're familiar
with. And just so you know, I have a PC as well, so I'm also taking a
shot at myself. So we're all even now.)
IF GOD HAD A PC . . .
In the beginning, there was the computer.
And God entered:
C:\>Let there be light!
Enter user ID
C:\>God
Enter password
C:\>Omniscient
Invalid password
Enter password
C:\>Omnipotent
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
C:\>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable command
C:\>Create light
Done
C:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
C:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
C:\>Create firmament
Done.
C:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
C:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and
let the dry land appear and...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
C:\>Create dry_land
Done.
C:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
C:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
C:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the
day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were
0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
C:\>Create fish
Done
C:\>Create fowl
Done
C:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
C:\>Create cattle
Done
C:\>Create creepy_things
Done
C:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
C:\>Create man
Done
C:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and
have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and
over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
Too many command operands. Try again.
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors..
C:\>Insert breath
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
C:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\>Create Garden_of_Eden
Too many parameters
C:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
C:\>Copy woman from man
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
C:\>Create desire
Done
C:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create freewill
Done
C:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
C:\>Create good, evil
Done
C:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in
Garden.edn. 1 errors.
C:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
C:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
C:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
C:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
C:\>Ctrl_Break
C:\>Ctrl_Break
C:\>Ctrl_Break
ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF
MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES.
PLEASE LOG OFF.
C:\>Create new world
You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
C:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
C:\>Destroy earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE
WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM.
YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
On Saturday, March 7, God rested.
On March 8, God created Macintosh.
And God saw that it was GOOD.
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There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of
nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a
nail in the back fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Then it
gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his
temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull
out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He
said, "You have done well, son, but look at the holes in the fence.
The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they
leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw
it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is
still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and
encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of
praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your
friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a
FRIEND even if it means sending back to the person who sent it to you.
"A true friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks
out."
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Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital
waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse
arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations
sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!"
the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the
second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow,
that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I
work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never
let me live this one down."
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars
around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the
3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced
that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned,
he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?"
asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he
said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th
guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse
rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained
back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak,
everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same
phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up"
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."