Thought provoking one-liners which may lead to chuckles (or not)...
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he
automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they
still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket
signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers
aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
***********************************************************************
Here is a thousand smiles for you,
anytime you feel like you need a smile use one of these,
go ahead try it, it really works...
For every thousand frowns you gain a wrinkle,
For every thousand smiles you lose a wrinkle!
Here are your 1,000 smiles
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***********************************************************************
You might be a Redneck Jedi if...
You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another
beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on
over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense
electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you
have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that
Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon
with redwood deck.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantinascene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."
***********************************************************************
FOR GOOD LUCK AND GOOD LIFE
THE FOLLOWING IS A NEPALESE GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM
This tantra totem has been sent to you for good luck. It has been sent
around the world ten times so far. You will receive good luck within
four days of relaying this tantra totem. Send copies to people you think
need good luck. Don't send money as fate has no price. Do not keep this
message. The tantra totem must leave your hands in 96 hours. You will
get a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not
superstitious.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you
want.
4. When you say, "I love you", mean it.
5. When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't
have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only
way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile
and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
4. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your
voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to
create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you
kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you
are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of
luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each
other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
***********************************************************************
I've learned-
That you cannot make someone love you,
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned-
That no matter how much you care,
some people just don't care back.
I've learned-
That it takes years to build up trust,
And only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned-
That it is not what you have in your life,
But who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned-
That you can get by on charm for about fifteen
minutes,
After that you better know something.
I've learned-
That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best
others can do.
I've learned-
That you can do something in an instant,
That will give you heartache for life.
I've learned-
That it's taking me a long time to become
the person I want to be.
I've learned-
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words,
It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned-
That you can keep going long after you think
you can't.
I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I've learned-
That either you control your attitude,
Or it controls you.
I've learned-
That no matter how hot and steamy a relationship
is at first,
the passion fades and there had better be
something there to take it's place.
I've learned-
That heroes are the people, who do what has to be done,
when it needs to be done,regardless of the consequences.
I've learned-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned-
That my best friend and I can do anything or
nothing, and have the best time.
I've learned-
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you whe you
are down,
Will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned-
That sometimes when I am angry, I have the right to
be angry,
That doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned-
That friendship continues to grow, even over the longest
distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you
want them to,
Doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned-
That maturity has more to do with the types of
experiences youv'e had, & what you've learned from them,
And less to do with how many birthdays you have
celebrated.
I've learned-
That you should never tell a child that their dreams are
unlikely or outlandish,
Few things are more humliating, and what a tragedy it
would be if they believed it.
I've learned-
That your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny,but people that you are not related
to can take care of you, and love you, and teach you to
trust people again. Families aren't biological.
I've learned-
That no matter how good a friend is,
They're going to hurt you every once in a while and
you have to forgive them for that.
I've learned-
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others,
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned-
That no matter how badly your heart hes been broken,
The world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
That our background and circumstances may have
influenced who we are,
But we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned-
That just because two people argue, it doesn't
mean that they don't love each other,
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't
mean they do.
I've learned-
That we don't have to change friends,
If we understand that friends change.
i've learned-
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret,
It could change your life forever.
I've learned-
That two people can look at the exact same thing,
And see something totally different.
I've learned-
That no matter how you try to protect your children,
They will eventually get hurt, and you will hurt
in the process.
I've learned-
That your life can be changed in the matter of hours,
By people who don't even know you.
I've learned-
That even when you think that you have no more to give,
When a friend cries out to you, you will find the
strength to help.
I've learned-
That credentials on the wall,
Do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned-
That the people you care most about in life,
Are taken from you too soon.
I've learned-
That it is hard to determine where to draw the line,
between being nice and not hurting people's feelings,
And standing up for what you believe.
***********************************************************************
FRIENDS: SIMPLE VS. REAL
A SIMPLE FRIEND...
has never seen you cry
does not know your parent's first names.
brings a bottle of wine to your party
hates it when you call after he has gone to bed
seeks to talk with you about your problems
wonders about your romantic history
when visiting acts like a guest
thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument
expects you to always be there for them
A REAL FRIEND...
has shoulders soggy from your tears
has your parents phone numbers in his address bood
comes to your parts early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean
askes you why you took so long to call even if its late
seeks to help you with your problems
could blackmail you with all the shit that they know about you
opems your refigerator and helps herself
knows that the friendship itsnt over after you get intoa fight
Expects ways to always be there for you!!!
***********************************************************************
YESTERDAY AND TODAY
Yesterday I met a stranger...
Today this stranger is my friend.
Had I not taken the time to say hello,
or return a smile,
or shake a hand,
or listen,
I would not have known this person.
Yesterday would have turned into today
and our chance meeting would be gone.
Yesterday I hugged someone very dear to me.
Today they are gone...
and tomorrow will not bring them back.
Wouldn't it be nice
if we all knew tomorrow would be here?
But this is not to be, so take the time TODAY
to give a hug, a smile,
an "I love you.
JUST FOR TODAY,
...smile at a stranger
...listen to someone's heart
...drop a coin where a child can find it
...learn something new, then teach it to someone
...tell someone you're thinking of them
...hug a loved one
...don't hold a grudge
...don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry";
...look a child in the eye and tell them how great they are
...look beyond the face of a person into their heart
...make a promise, and keep it
...call someone, for no other reason than to just say "hi";
...show kindness to an animal
...stand up for what you believe in
...smell the rain, feel the breeze, listen to the wind
...use all your senses to their fullest
...cherish all your TODAYS
Today you were thought about by me.